One year. One Thing.

Dear Friend,

Has it really been a year? Time flies huh. 

But there's not one day that i wish you were still here.

Still filled with regrets and what-ifs from time to time.

Sometimes, a selfish or noble part of me, still wishes it was me.

I was contemplating whether to go visit you on Sunday, cause' I was still afraid to face your family. It's just..difficult. 

So I went in the late afternoon and ran into your good friend, Jing Long. 

We talked about the past, how are your bunch of friends coping.

They played a match, and it felt different on the pitch.

I didn't even knew you played! 

And of course he asked about the accident.

I felt obligated, so I described everything to him. It was still not easy, and I can feel it was not easy for him to listen to it too.

Then, he told me about his dream just a few days back, where he sat with you and one other friend, just like the old days. Everything seemed normal and real, and you were really there. 

I cannot imagine how your closed ones feel, during dreams like that. 

To be honest, we weren't that close.

We only knew each other for like half a year? We ran into each other at zouk with Bella? 

And we became housemates after that, and we started to know each other better.

Like we both love mambo and the 90s music.

I remember I was streaming a Newcastle match, and was getting all excited, and you were laughing at my huge reactions and stuff.
Your MANUAL Toyota RAV-4.

The one Sakuraya a week with emma.
Your singapore-painted face on National Day.

The lizard-like reptile which all of us did not manage to catch until you were home.

The long drive to Fish Rock with ced and emma.

The making fun of emma and syl "Making love out of nothing at all".

So little time spent, so little memories, but so many little details.

Here's a song I recently just heard again.

One Thing (Not One Direction's, but Finger Eleven's)

Restless tonight

Cause I wasted the light

Between both these times

I drew a really thin line

It's nothing I planned

And not that I can

But you should be mine

Across that line

If I traded it all

If I gave it all away for one thing

Just for one thing

If I sorted it out

If I knew all about this one thing

Wouldn't that be something

I promise I might

Not walk on by

Maybe next time

But not this time

Even though I know

I don't want to know

Yeah I guess I know

I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all

If I gave it all away for one thing

Just for one thing

If I sorted it out

If I knew all about this one thing

Wouldn't that be something

If I traded it all

If I gave it all away for one thing

Just for one thing

If I sorted it out

If I knew all about this one thing

Wouldn't that be something

Even though I know

I don't want to know

Yeah I guess I know

I just hate how it sounds

Well, no prizes for guessing what's my one thing.
I don't know how or what is moving on.
Just hope that wherever you are, you are smiling, and looking after all your closed ones.
And keep the dreams going to them.
Hope you will visit me one day :) 

Miss you, Richie. 

BHMF, Princess Street.


-scotty

Happy birthday...?

18102012.

24yearsold.

Not really looking forward to celebrate this year's birthday.

For the past day, all I can think about is you.

17102012. 

7 months on, and I still can't forget.

And as i write this post.

Class95 plays Mariah Carey - Bye bye

Oh the f*king irony.

I never knew I could hurt like thisAnd everyday life goes on likeI wish I could talk to you for awhileI wish I could find a way try not to cryAs time goes by
And soon as you reached a better placeStill I'll give the whole world to see your faceAnd I'm bragging next to youIt feels like you gone too soonNow the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

I don't wanna say bye. Not like this.

Visit me some time in my dreams yea? And wish me happybirthday or somethin'.

-scotty

3rd Month.

It's almost coming to a hundred days now. 

You are still not forgotten.

Thanks for blessing me and my exams this semester.

It has been a rollercoaster ride.

fed up.

indescribable feeling.

Another Singaporean brother bites the dust.

I don't know whether I have seen you before in NDU.

But you do look quite familiar.

Hope you will bless your parents and your loved ones.

Rest well now, Tam Song Choon aka Kang kang.

Hooya!

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/mystery-surrounds-shock-death-of-part-time-student.html

scott.

Sick.

Why is it so difficult to move on?

It just keeps coming back.

You think I want it to?

I'm sick of trying to move on.

WHY?

This should not have even happen to you at all.

Stuffs like that should not happen to good people like you.

Why must you be taken away from us?

Cliche, but if I could just turn back time.

I don't think some of us actually realized how much hurt we caused.

It's uncountable. Unbearable. Irreversible.

Life is UNFAIR.

2012 has been such a bad year all round.

Countless NS soldiers died during trainings.

Friends, mums, who passed on.

Ferrari driver speeding and crashing into an oncoming vehicle.

So many more cases.

Are we really coming to the end of the world?

Just needed to get it off my chest.

scott.

Feeling the heat.

Just had my Econometrics supp paper yesterday.

The one I walked out from.

So darn disappointed in myself, as I handed the paper in. 

It was the exact same paper, from a couple of weeks back.

And I think I still flunked it.

Goodness man. What is wrong with me?!

Really super disappointed.

Went partying at night.

Was sherm's and eloys's birthday celebration.

Happy birthday guys!
Surprisingly, Kieran turned up!

Something has been bothering me for quite sometime. So I gave it a shot.

I asked him honestly, whether his close friends blame us for what happened.

He said no. But I kinda rather he said yes. 

I would rather get bashed up when they see me. 

Probably I might feel better.

All in all, it was a good night, and sherms got wasted :)

Exams are in about 4 weeks time. 

Really praying I can make it through. Parents and Michelle are coming. Don't wanna disappoint them.

Can't believe now I'm actually most afraid of failing my German, which is my elective!

Scheiße!

"It's gonna be the second month soon. Will I ever be able to get over it?"

Hello hottie.

Cya in 4 days time! Can't wait!

lee out.

Now. Rest well, my friend.

9th August 2011, QUT Brisbane, Australia

New web. New post. New beginning. Maybe it's a tribute to you, or just my way of remembering you. But I feel I had to do something, because I'm afraid. Afraid that I will forget what happened, and that I will forget you. 

Hence, leftablog.blogspot.com. In remembrance of you, my friend, my housemate. Richie(middle). And yes, that's a Singapore flag tattoo on his face.

Although it has been only 4 weeks that we have been staying together, I can safely say, you are not who people say you are. You are not the most popular of people in UQ and I have heard some nasty stuff about you which made me skeptical of staying with you. But just these 4 weeks living together, there's no truth in those words at all. Probably just the way you do and say things. Being candid and getting your point across. But you CAN get things done. That's your strength.

You are a person with goals in life. Flipping through your notebook, I find weekly to-dos being striked out, your short-term goals, long-term goals, even what you seek to achieve everyday.

Doing a kind act everyday. 

Take over family business by 2015.  

Let parents retire by 2015.   

Be Faithful.   

Shows how much I knew about you. I never knew you were so focused in life, target-oriented. I was almost certain you will be a great housemate. I mean, who the hell drives to Melbourne from Brisbane, and back?! Respect. It would have been so much fun going on a road trip with you. Up to Cairns, to the Great Barrier Reef. Picking up biking with you. There's so much I have still yet to know about you!

We were happily making our way there. Enjoying our 6-hour drive. You were enjoying yourself so much, you said you could drive all the way! So that when we came back, we are going to travel inland, and I was going to do the driving so that you could enjoy the scenery. I was so certain it was going to be a great weekend.

What happened man? I still ask myself this question umpteen times, every single day. What caused you to lose consciousness? Why did you lose the regulator? Why was your mask off? What happened? It was just a short few minutes. But everything happened so quickly. If only I looked back several more times to see everyone was there. If only I hit you harder to wake you up. If only I persevered long enough while performing CPR. If only I shouted louder at you to come back to us. If only we did not go for this trip...

Sometimes I think I was the one who got into the accident, and that I am just living in another parallel universe now. It's just surreal. Even when we came back, at your funeral, while I looked at you lying there, I thought I saw you breathing. It's just so difficult to accept that you are gone. I really cannot face your parents, family members, relatives, friends and Bella. Especially when you are being pushed into the incinerator, I really can't fight back my tears. My heart ached so badly, because I know, somehow or rather, I am related to your death. There was always something I could have done to prevent this. Hearing them shouting out for you, made my heart bleed. I could not even lift up my head to look at any of them. I'm weak, I know. I'm sorry, Richie.

I kept thinking as well, what was on your mind during the last few moments? You must have felt so helpless. Really can't imagine. I hope you left us peacefully. Another quote, from the first page of your notebook. 

"I am more than I appear to be, the World's strength & power rests inside me." 

You must have taken this quote from somewhere else, but I believe it definitely applies on you. 


I miss you man. I'll never forget the smile on your face. The laughs we shared although it was minimal. I regret not having a proper photo of just the two of us. Hope you will bless your loved ones and keep them safe. 

Rest in peace, Richie. Hope you are in a better world now.

Scott.

23yearsoldandcounting!

My awesome friends created a blog to give me their best wishes! Sweetness to the max.

Check it out, if anyone out there still keepintouch with my blog. haha.

bneboy.blogspot.com

You guys are the best, seriously.

Probably, thats why I'm not enjoying myself here. Without you guys, without my sweet girlfriend.

It's easy to meet new people here. But I can safely say less than FIVE will stay in my life after I graduate.

TRUE friends are hard to get by here. I thought I had met a couple, just to be disappointed afterwards.

Is it about the money? (Yes, singaporeans here are RICH)

How much assets your family has?

What car are you driving here/back in singapore?

What business line does your family do?

Do you come from a well-known school?

How many 7s do you have?

It's sad, really.

I came overseas to study, is to meet more people, widen my horizons.

But first mistake, coming to uq, where 75% are singaporeans.

I don't think I have any aussie friends at all.

That's how sad it is.

It doesn't matter how you treat people.

If they don't reciprocate, they don't reciprocate.

There's nothing you can do about it.

You're always gonna be on your own.

Hard lesson learnt.

And that's why I say,

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!

Eh, probably second-best.

After Michelle.

=)

"Strong people know how to keep their life in order.

Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile.

Send this to a strong person. I just did."

Close friend of mine just sent me this message.

I smiled for a moment, but then stopped to think about it.

I felt undeserving of it.

I'm not strong.
I cringe and crumble under stress easily.

And start to emit my negative emotions.

How is this strong?

He's right, coming to think of it.

"It's hard to get a 4."

Well, I managed to get 2 of them.

How the hell can I get a 4 after a mid semester grade like that?

I would have to fail my final paper.

Which I did.
No need to call for a re-mark. I know it myself.

Summing all up.

Easily one of the worst GPA attained, if not the worst in the entire batch.

New semester.

I felt prepared.

But still.

Crumbled under pressure.

Stupid mistakes.

Forgetting important information.

Same story. Different day.

Always holding high expectations in whatever I start on.

Only to be hugely disappointing in the end. In everyone's eyes. In my own eyes.

Depressing

Emotionally drained.

I'm not smart. I know.

Someone told me so too.

I take a longer time to understand than others.

Probably double the time. Or even longer.

Just typed in a Google search, 'how to become smarter?'

You might think I'm a nutter.

But I'm desperate.

Desperate to turn things around.

Desperate to get things right for a change.

It's not working for me at the moment.

"Father, Father, Father. Send some guidance from above."

I'm at my crossroads.

Feeling. Feeling that I will never succeed in life.

- I am Me. It's just Me.

Did i make the right decision at that point in time?

I think i deserved to get laughed at, even though she didn't mean it.

At least others knew what they wanted.

Which is extra time to study.

And they got the results they desired.

But me?

I was contemplating, to go or not to go, until the very last moment.

So I thoroughly deserve the results that I've gotten.

And can blame no one about it.

I want to be optimistic.

Like a particular friend of mine.

Always looking forward to reading his tweets.

Full of optimism.

But I always fail myself.

Every time, and i mean, EVERY TIME whenever i encounter problems, i just break down.

I can never face it like a MAN.

Such a failure.

Disappointment to my family.

Disappointment to you.

Should never have came in the first place and wasted all my parents' money.

Pray and hope for a better semester.

Results are out.

Passed all.

Barely.

Don't compare,

don't compare..

Results epitomises hard work.

I just didn't study hard enough.

It's all my fault.

It's my fault that I left you on 140211.

It's my fault I can't be there when you need me.

It's my fault if i go out and enjoy myself here, while you have to stay at home.

It's my fault when i decided to travel, rather than go back sg.

IT'S MY FAULT that i decided to come to Australia in the first place.

It hurt me what you said today.

And I felt really disappointed and sad.

But still, i appreciate you telling me, so I can change.

I don't know how yet, but I will do my best.

For You. I will.

Today, you complained about my stagnant facebook wall, and yours. oops. =x

So i came online, and almost immediately, i came across this video, posted by my friend.

It's really sweet.

Touched my heart so much. Almost teared.

And I know you did. =)

You are right.

It was 5 years for them, what's 1.5 for us?

This is a test. A big test for us.

Which I think we can overcome.

Nobody said it's gonna be easy.

I truly believe we are going to learn to cherish each other at the end of this all.

And our relationship is only going to become stronger.

Don't you agree?

I can be insensitive at times.

I might be blur and act like a woodblock at times.

But,

at the end of the day,

I still love you.

I'm not perfect.

But without you,

I can never be.

♥

Baby, let's do the list yeah?

It's super sweet and cool! =D

Today.

Marks the start.

I need to change.

to be less emo.

Forget about what's happened.

Focus on what's gonna happen.

Work on my studies.

Work on us.

No more facebook.

It's the cause of the trouble and it's a waste of time.

I have no time.

No more parties, till after my exams.

I partied far too much.

I-WILL-STUDY-EVERYDAY. I-WILL-STUDY-EVERYDAY. I-WILL-STUDY-EVERYDAY.

I will hit the library everyday, if not i will still study at home.

My aim for now,

Banking 5/7.

Investments 6/7.

Cost Accounting 6/7.

Financial Reporting 7/7.

It's still makable. I can do this.

That will give me an overall 6.

Which is pretty darn awesome for my first semester.

Come on Scott.

Get your life back in order.

This is not being emo.

This is abt being determined.

to achieve your goals.

And most importantly,

get someone back.

get her back on my side.

Come on Scott.

You can do this shit.

Ican'taffordtoloseyou.

Blogging now.

When i should not.

When i don't even have enough time, to do my tuts, study for exams.

But i just wanna let it out a little.

Just got back my Cost Accounting mid-sem result which is 30% weightage.

21/30.

Simply means my high distinction of 7 is over for this subject.

As you will need a 85% and above to get a grade 7.

9% gone. Get what i mean?

Disappointed, but kinda expected after the exam.

It was considered my easier subjects out of the 4, so i was really looking to score.

Guess it was just not meant to be.

Next up, banking and lending decisions and Investment papers.

Struggling with Investments, and the textbook.

There are already so many formulaes and concepts in Chp 1.

6 Chapters for the mid-sem. 40% weightage.

While Banking on the other hand, has no textbook to refer to. And the tut exercise is always one long essay question.

How do you study for it?

I'm really struggling now.

It's only mid-semester.

I keep telling myself to do well.

But it's only the halfway mark.

And I'm struggling like mad.

Pls god. Pls.

Gimme the brains to study.

To remember what i studied.

And to apply what i studied.

Feeling damn frustrated today.
Hotmail got hacked, and they dont recognise my verification details.

I have sent them LOADS of information.

Folder names. Secret question. Contacts. Recent emails AND subjects. Password.

What else do they want?

I NEED my email back.

All my school materials are in it, important documents, VISA.

They really suck.

Guys. DO NOT use hotmail already.

It's time to change to a better one.
If not, a PAID and secured one.

Went to the library for about 5 hours today, hoping to get some tuts done.

BUT, I did not even complete half of the work im supposed to.

I feel so disappointed in myself.

Went for investments lecture after that.

And I couldn't understand half of it.

Feel like I have to eat my textbook or something.

I feel for the lecturer for the turnout(and those who left grim-faced halfway thru) of students.

But at the same time, i wonder, why can't he use simpler terms to get across his points?

Or is it impossible to do so?

Really have no idea.

I recorded a small part of his lecture and sent to Michelle.

She told me probably is just his slang.

Well, it makes it even tougher.

I kinda feel my target to do honours is slowly slipping away from my grasp.

Am I thinking too highly of myself? (Targeting a 7 for 2 subjects, and 6 for the other 2)

Or am I doing enough?

Am i doing my best?

How would you know that?

How would you know whether are you doing your best?

Just go do your tuts, Scott.

Fortunately, there's you.

To encourage me.

Writing this on the carpeted floor in my new home.

Finally gonna settle down after 2 weeks of looking for a place to stay.

Still don't really feel good though.

The house looks great on the outside, but the maintenance kinda suck.

There's quite a serious plumbing issue, with the water from the toilet coming out from a pipe in the garden.
Really disgusting.

The garden is in a mess, with flying bugs and insects all over the place.

Can't complain about this though, cause it's just summertime.

Anyways, school's began.

4 mods I'm taking.

Cost Accounting.

Financial Reporting.

Investment & Porfolio Management.

Banking and Lending Decisions.

I've attended 3 of the lectures already.

1 Aussie(I think.)

1 Chilean.

1 African.

Who's next?! China?! hahahaha!

But gosh. it's stressful.

It's only the first lecture, and the investment lecturer, the African, completed 74 slides! omg.

You can just see the look on everyone's faces.

But that's not all.

He gives his lecture, as if he's rapping! goodness.

I don't know whether it's the accent, or I just don't get what is he saying sometimes.
God pls help me.

There's this quite interesting thing for another module though.

Financial Reporting.

There are 3 quizzes for assessment, and they are open-book!

5% each!

And do during your own free time! Awesome?!

AND....

You can keep retrying, till u are satisfied with your results.

WHAT!

yes.

If you can 29/30, you can say NO.

Let's go again.

As many times as you want.

hahahaha. thats like the ONLY good news so far lah. hehe.

Housemates back with Hungry Jacks!

Catch ya soon mates!

Missingyou.

=)

its been 1 week in brisbane already.

Have i gotten used to life here?

hmmm...Well. i know my body hasn't.

Been a little too constipated, losing my usual appetite.

Just had an overnight laxative. Its in the form of a chocolate! LOL.

Hope it will work though..

I know i need to give u more attention.

I will do my best. I promise.

Pls give me some time. AND I NEED MY IPHONE.

Gosh. im damn unlucky, getting a crocked iphone when i bought it. sigh.

Fortunately, dearie's friends have really been awesome for the past 1 week, with her havin company almost everyday!

Really, really relieved to see her occupied with stuffs, and not let her mind wander too far off. =)

L-O-V-E.

FINALLY GOT MY NEW SKIN AND MY BLOG RUNNING AGAIN!!!! =D

Run. run. RUN.

12.09 -AHM 21km
Flag off: Esplanade Bridge, 0512.

24.10 - Nike 10km
Flag off: TBC, 0700.

05.12 - Standard Chartered 42.195km
Flag off: Rumoured Near Ngee Ann City, with X'mas lights on!!, 0500.

Good job babe on registering for the Nike run, embarking on your first event run!! Lets train HARD!


happyNo.10. :)
muacks.